[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
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[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover