me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
You Might Also Like
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Not all heroes wear capes….
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
a public service announcement
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—