I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
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I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here