Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
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I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!