The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
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[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
#SaturdayBears
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…