Meanwhile in Canada…
You Might Also Like
Good point.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.