An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
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Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.