Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
You Might Also Like
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
True statement👍😏😁
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?