I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
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Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.