“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
You Might Also Like
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.