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[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.