*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
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“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
can’t catch a break
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.