One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
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[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno