If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
You Might Also Like
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%