Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
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Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
calling in to work dehydrated
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO