I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
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My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Bed should get ready for ME
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.