The more things change, the more they stay the same.
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Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Mornin
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice