BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
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Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
This could be us… but you playing
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.