i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
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Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.