WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
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Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Meow
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.