Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
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Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Never mess with a drunken pig.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Is this a threat?
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”