It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
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body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.