Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
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I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.