Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Breakfast for Stoners:
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.