I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
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I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁