Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
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SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Breaking news:
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!