What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
You Might Also Like
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight