ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
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Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
#dnd #ttrpg
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
they finally got him. they got macavity
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard