PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
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I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?