As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
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More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall