Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
bears
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”