“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
You Might Also Like
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.