[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
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So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Europe. Made in Germany.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.