The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
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If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Generation gap…
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what