Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
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Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
lost dog
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.