I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
He’s cranky this morning
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
December birthdays be like…
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
so this horse walks into a bar
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.