Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
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“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
79.