“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
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Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same