Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
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My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣