“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
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the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
People buying plungers never look happy.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.