Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
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Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.