If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
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The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless