That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
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My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
(2022)
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG