Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
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The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Me irl
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.