You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
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Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Now, where’s the sport in that?
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…