I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
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DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.