Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
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[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.