Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
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Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]