So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
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call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Previously On Persistence 😎
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.