I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
You Might Also Like
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in